


We Cast Our Make Pretends

by A_M_Kelley



Series: A Jagged Gorgeous Winter (Solider) [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Choking, Control Issues, Explicit Sexual Content, Fix-It of Sorts, Gentleness, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Identity Porn, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rough Sex, Sleepwalking, Weird Plot Shit, bottom!Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2014-07-13
Packaged: 2018-02-08 05:11:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1927851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_M_Kelley/pseuds/A_M_Kelley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve can definitely tell the difference between Bucky and the <i>Winter Soldier</i>. Bucky loves foreplay and kissing over anything else and the <i>Winter Soldier</i> is all about biting and conquering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Cast Our Make Pretends

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from A Jagged Gorgeous Winter by The Main Drag.
> 
> Marked as mildly dubious consent because of weird identity shit going on.

"You just about ready? I want to start the movie," Steve informs ducking his head in their room.

He watches Bucky as he takes his clothes off to change into his pajamas. Bucky has his bare back turned to Steve and the expanse of it alone is enough to get Steve's blood pumping a little more than usual. He still can't believe Bucky is actually here.

"Yeah, just give me a second," Bucky tells him as he pulls on a pair of pajama pants.

"Alright," Steve says, smiling at the back of Bucky's head as he slowly slips away towards the living room.

Bucky flips idly through the shirts hanging up in the closet, looking for one of his own since Steve doesn't like to organize their clothes separately. Not that Bucky minds much. Bucky comes across a red shirt and he pauses for a moment when he realizes it's torn. It's one of Steve's. He pulls it out to take a better look at it and is slightly puzzled. It looks like someone ripped it.

"Hey, Steve?" Bucky calls out to the living. It still feels weird to say his name from time to time. "What happened to your shirt?"

"What?" Steve asks walking into the bedroom. Bucky turns toward him.

"Your shirt," Bucky states, holding the shredded article of clothing up with a skeptical look. "It's all torn. What happened?"

"Oh... I, uh, must have did that while I was working out or something," Steve lies, voice shaking ever so slightly with the memory of the truth.

"This happened from working out?" Bucky questions dubiously, looking at it more thoroughly.

It's likely that Steve is telling the truth because it has happened before, but something feels wrong. Like Bucky remembers how it really happened.

"Don't worry about it, okay?" Steve reassures with a smile. "It's movie night and the popcorn is getting cold."

"Okay," Bucky relents, smiling and tossing Steve's torn shirt aside.

Bucky throws on a random shirt and pads out to the living room where Steve waits patiently for him. He climbs onto the sofa and snuggles up against Steve's side with the bowl of popcorn between them.

There was nothing particularly special about this night since it was one of their casual dates they spent indoors, watching movies and eating popcorn. Still, Steve got the feeling Bucky preferred these nights over all the others. Bucky was still apprehensive about being in public. Which was fine because so was Steve.

They were currently watching Forrest Gump because Sam had highly suggested it when Steve asked about ideas for movie night. They were both captivated by the story of the main character who grew up at a disadvantage but overcame every obstacle, as well as some of the more historical significance. Namely, the Vietnam war.

War was something Bucky and Steve knew well and finding out that something as significant as that happened without them knowing it was disheartening. Not that either of them could do anything about it now considering the circumstances. They still had so much more to learn.

Bucky held onto Steve during the movie, snuggling against him out of instinct more than anything else, as he munched idly on popcorn. Neither of them had to think or talk. They could just sit there on the sofa in comfortable silence, soaking in each other's warmth as they forget about the new world around them.

It was refreshing to watch Bucky during movie night, seeing his face go through a range of emotions in a single bound. It was reassuring to think that Bucky had never changed at all. It was even better when Bucky would start to doze off during a movie. When his day had been particularly long and he was just too exhausted to stay awake, much like he was doing right now.

The movie was nearly over and Bucky was drifting off, so Steve opted to turn off the movie prematurely. He went around the apartment, turning off all the unnecessary lights and got the bed ready. He came back into the living room to see that Bucky was still in the position he left him. Steve smiled to himself before he walked over to collect Bucky up into his strong arms.

Steve picks him up gently, so as not to disturb him, and Bucky unconsciously wraps his arms securely around Steve's shoulders, both organic and robotic, trusting the warm presence unconditionally. Bucky was a lot bigger than he last remembered, but it made no difference to Steve. He could still carry him with little effort.

He carefully maneuvers Bucky in sideways through the door frame, being cautious not to knock his legs in the door jamb. Bucky is mumbling incoherent words into the curve of Steve's neck as the super soldier lowers him down against the soft mattress.

It's a good thing Bucky was already in his pajamas or this was about to turn into a workout. Steve pulls the covers up underneath Bucky's chin when he's situated comfortably enough, making him securely snug and warm. Bucky instantly curls his body into the sheets, relishing in the coziness of it all.

Steve walks around to the other side, shutting off the bedside lamp and sliding in between the sheets right next to Bucky. He loved watching Bucky sleep but he loved it even more when Bucky nestled into his side and wrapped his human arm around him. It was the most perfect way to end any night but, sadly, there was a catch.

Bucky occasionally has nightmares.

It's not something that happens every night, but once in a while it inevitably occurs like a plague. Like Bucky is perpetually cursed to be haunted for the rest of his days and it takes away a piece of him each time until he fades from existence entirely. At least, that's what it feels like in retrospect.

Those nights are horrible for both Bucky and Steve. It's horrible for Bucky because he has to relive such dark memories and it's horrible for Steve because he doesn't have a clue as to what's going on with Bucky. Steve has the vaguest idea of what goes on in Bucky's dreams but Bucky never wants to talk about them. He just wants to keep it bottled up until he finally explodes from the pressure.

Bucky sleepwalks from time to time as well, almost as if he's being manipulated by an unknown puppeteer. Steve hates to admit it, but on some nights he's afraid to sleep next to Bucky because of it. Not because of what Bucky is capable of doing to Steve when he's unconscious but because Bucky has no recollection of it when he wakes up.

Sometimes Bucky actually physically walks outside or in other rooms of Steve's apartment and sometimes he does things to Steve unconsciously. Bucky has been violent in the past but he has also been gentle during this incoherent state between sleeping and consciousness.

Steve knows it isn't right of him, but more often than not he lies to Bucky about his more violent mood swings while he sleepwalks to spare his lover's already guilty conscience. Steve suffers at the hands of his own lover, but he does it to protect Bucky. If Bucky found out what goes on during his involuntary adventures he would never be able to live it down.

But, unfortunately, life has a funny way of screwing good people over.

Not soon after tucking Bucky in, Steve was able to nod off from a mixture of warmth and Bucky's breathing lulling him into a deep and calm sleep. Steve always seemed to sleep like a rock now that Bucky was back, but the same can not be said for his lover. Bucky is having a nightmare right now, reliving horrors he has long since escaped but not forgotten as Steve lies obliviously beside him.

_Bucky is laid out on an observation table and it feels so real to the point where he can actually feel the cold metal surface along his spine and the heavy restraints strapping him down firmly. He is stripped bare from he can tell, at least that's what it feels like. Bucky is out of it, most likely rousing awake from a heavy dose of sedation, but he's quickly coming to._

_He doesn't know what year it is. They never tell him anything aside from what his next task is, but Bucky figures that it wouldn't matter anyway. He has enough trouble hanging onto one timeline as it is when the **Winter Soldier** is in control._

_Bucky can see silhouettes gathering around him but the light above him is too blinding for him to blink past and make out any facial distinctions. His head lolls from side to side, mumbling incoherent words of protest as he struggles against his binds. He struggles because he knows what's coming._

_"No... No..."_

_Bucky's throat is dry and he can barely get out more than the occasional protest or two. He tries to kick and squirm but his body isn't complying properly. By the time the silhouettes have wheeled in their tool for **correcting** Bucky's way of thinking, Bucky is in tears._

_They fasten the apparatus to him with swift ease as if they have done this a dozen times, and perhaps they have? Bucky can't keep track anymore. Not soon after, Bucky can feel the rubber bite guard being slipped into his mouth to keep him from biting off his tongue and that's when he really starts to struggle._

_Even in his weakened and sedated state, Bucky fights against his bounds around his limbs, trying to get in one final protest before the inevitable happens. Bucky is almost able to rip free from the straps restraining him but it's too late when one of the silhouettes flicks on the machine to send an electrical current through his brain._

_The initial shock is jarring and leaves Bucky's body spasming uncontrollably as he bites down on his gag. His pained and muffled screams fill the air as he tries to hold onto his last shred of reality before he slips away entirely._

_In the midst of his induced seizure, Bucky's eyes snap open but it isn't Bucky who awakens. The **Winter Soldier** doesn't take too kindly to this type of treatment and he almost instantly is able to break free from his bounds. He tears his arms, both real and robotic, from the table followed by the ones around his ankles. He has no time to discern between anything and attacks the first person he can get his hands on._

_The **Winter Soldier** wraps his hands around the person's throat by instinct. Even when he's on top of the guy he still can distinguish the face, but he squeezes tighter to insure his own safety. The person below him struggles and kicks, but oddly enough the others don't try to stop him because no one else is there anymore._

_He is alone with this unknown person as he squeezes the life out of them and the memory around him fades to nothing. And, in the midst of all the haze and darkness, the **Winter Soldier** can make out the face--_

"Bucky!" Steve gasps, clawing at the hands around his throat. "Bucky, please! Stop!"

Steve can easily overthrow Bucky but that isn't the way he does things. He doesn't want to hurt his lover even when the latter is doing it to him. Steve is feeling light headed but he can see the change in Bucky's eyes. The moon filtering in through the window illuminates him as if he's a different person entirely.

The _Winter Soldier_ relents with his initial assault of choking Steve and the super soldier thinks that Bucky has woken up, but this isn't the case. Bucky is still sleeping dormant inside the _Winter Soldier_. Steve is able to breathe again, but at a cost.

The blankets are thrown aside and Steve is too preoccupied as he coughs and gasps for air, so he can't stop the _Winter Soldier_ from ripping the clothes off his body. In any case, it doesn't matter because Steve wouldn't stop him either way. Steve is afraid to wake Bucky when he's sleepwalking. Steve is too afraid to defy the _Winter Soldier_.

During these episodes, the _Winter Soldier_ not only asserts his dominance through violence but through copulation as well. It's not the first time this has happened and it probably won't be the last, but it's a sacrifice Steve is willing to make.

The _Winter Soldier_ is clawing to tear Steve's clothes from his body but is met with resistance when Steve protests only slightly. Steve brings his hands up out of instinct, pushing against Bucky's chest, but the _Winter Soldier_ grabs him by the wrists and pins his arms above his head.

There is a brief moment when the _Winter Soldier_ seems to recognize Steve but it flickers by too fast. He holds Steve down with one hand while the other goes down to rid Steve of his underwear as well as his own. There is no hesitance in the _Winter Soldier's_ actions either.

Steve likes to think that a part of Bucky is still present during these occurrences because, despite the _Winter Soldier_ being rough with him, he is also capable of tenderness. The _Winter Soldier_ just doesn't take him right then and there, well he does, but he also takes Steve's comfort into consideration.

He has the common decency to prepare Steve even if it's done fast with his fingers and saliva. It's still not as bad as it could be without any prep at all. Steve can definitely tell the difference between Bucky and the _Winter Soldier_. Bucky loves foreplay and kissing over anything else and the _Winter Soldier_ is all about biting and conquering.

The _Winter Soldier_ is swift and wastes no time in conquering Steve's body one thrust at a time. He is rough but precise and it leaves Steve to wonder how much of Bucky is still dormant inside of the _Winter Soldier_. Steve hates to admit it, but he secretly gets off on Bucky losing control even though he knows he shouldn't. This is wrong, but Bucky can't help it and Steve can't stop it.

The hands around Steve's wrists return and hold him down accordingly to keep him firmly rooted into the mattress as the _Winter Soldier_ has his way with Steve. The robotic hand always grips a little tighter. He is between Steve's thighs, thrusting consistently in him with some resistance but only fuels the _Winter Soldier_ even more.

He likes a little bit of resistance. He likes it when Steve pretends to struggle against where his hands wrap around his wrists.

The _Winter Soldier_ bends down to sink his teeth into Steve's outstretched neck, sucking viciously at the pulse point he finds there. It makes Steve whine with frustration because he doesn't know whether he's supposed to hate this or enjoy it. It's too confusing when he looks up and sees that it's Bucky but someone else entirely at the same time.

Steve arches his back, pushing his lower half into the _Winter Soldier's_ groin to drive his manhood even deeper inside him. Steve can't help it if it turns him on to the point he's begging for more. By all rights, it's still physically Bucky. How could he not want this. The _Winter Soldier_ was still sucking and biting along his neck but Steve knew he wouldn't last much longer. It never lasted as long as it did with Bucky. But he is drawing noises out of Steve that constantly remain choked up and muddled.

But something was wrong.

The _Winter Soldier_ stills in his motions and he pulls back from Steve's neck to make eye contact for the first time. Steve looks up at the _Winter Soldier_ perplexed at the expression across his lover's face. Steve is left panting as the _Winter Soldier_ still throbs inside of him.

They stay frozen like that for the longest time and the _Winter Soldier_ stares down at Steve with his hair draping like a waterfall. For a moment it's as if there is a hint of recollection in those haunted eyes, like Bucky is fighting to regain control, making his grip on Steve's wrists falter.

"Steve... Steve?" Bucky murmurs skeptically because he is at a momentary lapse in judgment. "Where am-- What's going on?"

Steve doesn't say anything for fear of making the situation worse, but Bucky looks erased when he finally puts two and two together. He can feel Steve tighten around him and he doesn't know how to respond. He's just woken up from a nightmare only to find himself in another.

The moonlight is unreliable at best but Bucky can see the red marks and teeth indents left around his lover's throat, not to mention Steve's torn shirt that still clings to his body.

And then it starts to click. The torn shirt Bucky had found in the closet earlier was from--

"Did I..?" Bucky starts to ask, disillusioned by what was real and what wasn't. Steve's face falls marginally and it's enough of an answer. When Bucky can't think of anything to do, he automatically lets go of Steve's wrists. "Oh my god... I just--"

"You weren't yourself," Steve starts to plead, sitting up when Bucky finally pulls out of him. Steve cups Bucky's face, stroking his hair compassionately to keep him calm. "This isn't your fault. You had no control of it, Buck."

"No, but I--" Bucky begins to protest, looking away from Steve out of guilt. He feels absolutely disgusted but he's still undoubtedly hard. "I violated you."

"No, no you didn't," Steve hushes, bringing Bucky's face level with his. He can see the pain and hurt in Bucky's eyes and it turns his stomach into knots. "Don't say things like that."

"Why? Because it's the truth?"

"I could've stopped you..."

"So why didn't you?" Bucky questions frantically, feeling guilty and betrayed in a single bound. "How can you just lay there and let me fuck you, knowing what kind of monster I've become?"

"Because you're not a monster when I look at you. You're still Bucky," Steve tells him, caressing Bucky's pale face as he tries to make his lover understand. "You just... wake up as someone else sometimes."

"That doesn't bother you?" Bucky inquires. He's doubtful of Steve's true intentions, seeing as how Steve lets him do this to him all the time. "Being afraid to fall asleep next to me every night?"

"Just knowing that I'm falling asleep next to Bucky is enough for me," Steve says ardently, looking Bucky directly in his stormy eyes. "I hang on because I love Bucky."

Steve brings Bucky's face to his and kisses him chastely on the lips. Bucky is unresponsive but pliant under Steve's tenderness and he can't decide whether or not he deserves such love from Steve. Bucky turns away from Steve, too ashamed to feel anything remotely as pleasing as kisses from Steve.

"What's wrong?" Steve asks when Bucky pulls away.

"I have a _really_ inappropriate hard on for you right now," Bucky chuckles exasperated, looking up through his hair shyly.

"We never did finish," Steve points out bashfully, hoping Bucky doesn't get discouraged by the comment.

He quirks his eyebrows and it makes Bucky smile a little. Steve reaches down between them and wraps a tentative hand around Bucky's cock, giving it a firm stroke. Bucky jerks slightly in Steve's hand and bites his lip, keening for more contact. Bucky reaches out and does the same for Steve, rubbing him slowly until he lets his hand drift lower. When Bucky stops in his trek to feel Steve's more intimate area, he pauses when Steve makes a small hissing sound.

"Do I ever hurt you when we..?" Bucky asks, trailing off precariously as he probes Steve more lightly.

"Only a little bit," Steve dismisses with a murmur, laying down against the mattress after they shed their shirts.

Bucky sucks on his fingers liberally and it looks so obscene that Steve is practically climbing the walls. Bucky's fingers leave his mouth with a wet pop and they disappear between Steve's widespread thighs, pressing gently until finally giving way and sinking in. Steve moans deeply and his face looks so beautiful contorted in the moonlight coming in through the window.

Bucky takes his time and works Steve open with practiced ease, being far more delicate and thorough than the _Winter Soldier_. Steve reaches up and wraps his arms around Bucky's shoulders to hug him tightly. Steve squeezes his back every once in a while when a particular probe is a little too sharp.

They meet each other in a kiss and every doubt Bucky previously had in his mind is gone without a second thought. Bucky is so sweet and caring that it nearly breaks Steve's heart to think that he could be capable of being anything other than that. But here they were.

Bucky is still working and lightly thrusting his fingers into Steve as he plants promises in the form of kisses all along Steve's jaw. He kisses all the marks left behind by the _Winter Soldier_ as if his touch alone could take each one back and replace it with love. This makes Steve scratch lightly at the expanse of Bucky's back.

Bucky pulls back, leaving Steve to whine when his fingers slip free from his body. Instead, they are replaced by Bucky's leaking and painfully hard cock. It isn't the best circumstances but Bucky's pre-come seems to ease the way somewhat and it also helps that Bucky loosened him more thoroughly as well.

"What does it feel like when you're with him?" Bucky inquires through a series of pants and shallow thrusts, referring to the _Winter Soldier_ of course. "Does he fuck you good? Does he have you begging for more?"

"Yes!" Steve gasps when Bucky thrusts a little more firmly, but still oh so gentle. "Fuck yeah!"

"Do you want me to fuck you like he does?" Bucky offers, thrusting more frequently and purposely into Steve. "Is that what you want?"

"I don't want _him_. I want Bucky," Steve states, and he swears he can hear Bucky sob a little at this. "I want you to make love to me."

Bucky slows down his hips and holds Steve more closely, caressing his lover with both his human and robotic hands. The contact of the foreign metal sends a shiver down Steve's spine and his whole body seems to enclose all around Bucky. He is clinging to Bucky as if he'll die if he doesn't.

Bucky and Steve kiss more frequently now, alternating between light pecks and full on tongue sucking until they are blue in the face. Bucky is being so considerate as Steve lets him into his body to manipulate his arousal. They move together in a way that only Bucky and Steve know, holding each other and squeezing sounds out of them until their names just become an unintelligible mass of passion left in the spaces between.

They are both broken by war but have withstood the test of time and _nothing_ , not even the _Winter Soldier_ , could tear them apart. It's in this moment when they can forget all about the _Winter Soldier_ and pretend that Bucky isn't sick...

But the dissimilarity in the way Bucky and the _Winter Soldier_ love is ultimately discernible.


End file.
